So, here’s the situation. I’ve been depraved of human interaction for the last couple days (kind of by choice so I don’t blame anyone). All I’ve had to keep me busy is my Computer (Hail to all gamers); my guitar (Hail to all musicians) and my thoughts (Hail to all philosophers). It’s strange, somehow I don’t feel as empty as I used to feel when I do this to myself… and having a lot of time to think without background noise to drown out your thoughts is always good. But some thoughts have bothered me more than others.
When I look back at 2008 I think of it as my year of events… so much has happened. In a recap let’s start with crime… I’ve been driven over by a car in a successful attempt at stealing my phone. I’ve been robbed in my own house, in my room with me in it and all I could do was lay there. My bike got stolen. Then some of the more physically painful events… I fell off a scooter (I’m afraid to say this, but more than once); I fell off my bicycle (really, really hard). Some of the more emotional events, I lost my virginity this year, I hurt so many people in the process and I think I hurt myself a lot more than I will ever give credit for. I started out this year pursuing the one person I thought could have been the love of my life. But of course the feeling (or choice of feeling) was not mutual. I’ve had my first real experience of God’s Amazing Grace and forgiveness this year as well as His Favourable blessing.
I’ve been in a relationship for the last three months. And I think it’s still a miracle, though, dare I say that it is not perfect (show me the perfect relationship on earth and I’ll spend my lifetime trying to learn how to copy it). I feel certain that I can have this relationship go all the way, the Godly way (even though some times I’m tempted to not do it that way). But in terms of thoughts that bother me I guess most of them have to do with this aspect of my life.
I find myself thinking back a lot, and still finding feelings there for someone I thought I had long since written off. Being faced with some people I was once in love with (or at least had a crush on). Even my dreams did not bring escape from these thoughts, my dreams merely reflected it. These last couple of days I rediscover that I am ok with being alone, with fighting my fights alone, with reaching my dreams alone, with praising my God and one true love alone… I’m ok. And I ask myself why do need another, why do I want to get married. I don’t think it’s wrong to have these thoughts and mind you I don’t think it’s unhealthy. I think it’s all good as long as it brings healthy and Godly answers. I seem to still have a couple of doubts, though they are not major in concept they could spell disaster if going unanswered yet seeking answers for them too early is unnecessary and even dangerous. This in a nutshell means I have to wait (which we all know by now is not my strongest suite). This then leads to why I’m writing this blog, as I know that most of those reading this are people who have travelled a long distance with me. People that know me and know my heart and know that I say this not lightly though not everything I write in my blog should be taken too seriously as my blog usually reflect emotional thoughts and hardly leads to the decisions I take in the end.
I think that maybe the answer to my troubles lies in my plans for next year, or at least the goals I have set for next year… which I will write down here.
In 2008 my goal was to learn about and explore leadership. Which I did in earnest and learned more than I bargained for. I learned a lot through my lighting team (and I personally think accomplished more than any young leader could). I learned through WinterBreak (Hosted by my beloved 13th Floor). I learned that leadership is something you become and not something you do, and that essentially any leader is nothing without those that follow him, thus his attention should be on those that follow him. But my calling as I understand it consists of two parts… I am to be leader of men in full time ministry. Where in 2008 the focus was on being a leader of men I want for 2009 to be in ministry… to serve. Now that is something that went MIA in 2008, the real servant’s heart. So for 2009 to come back to being humble and to truly serve with my heart and deeds.
The second thing that flows out of this is really working hard. This is also something that I think I have been slacking in, in 2008. Firstly to really get back to working hard at the company I work for (this of course means to a certain degree getting back to my basic job description and not taking the lead or spearheading projects). This of course might look again to others like I’m slacking off, but for now I’m more concerned with my heart being right than appearances. I want to start my Theological studies this year, and I’ll be working hard at that as well. I want to really put effort in my worship preparation for the cell group I’m in this year. Then lastly I want to work hard in the new ministry I’ll be getting involved in, in 2009.
The last one might be a shock to some but I want to get married in 2009. This of course is a whole blog on its own, since many people will have questions and comments and rude remarks. Most of it focused on the timing being a bit off. Now I’m certain that I’ll blog about it to answer all the needed questions. Now, beyond the fact that waiting might be a good idea tell me any reason why I may not ask her to marry me? Sure, it’s a lifetime decision and I’m basing a lot on just pure Choice… but just tell me why not! I think the most important thing for me to discover is that my heart is pure concerning this. Let’s see what happens… but I have put it down as a goal for 2009 and I don’t care who knows it.
I guess that’s all I have to say in this blog. So you’ll hear from me soon though as a new year awaits with its own challenges.
My Name is Artex Freedom, A new year in my life.
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